Tell me Charles.
Does it get any worse than having a cold over the holidays?
Your suffering knows no bounds, sir.
It's the day before Christmas, damn it.
I should be out buying sweaters and drinking peppermint lattes with my boys.
Instead, I'm in this penthouse apartment sipping tea like a monk.
Come, sir. There's more to the holidays than shopping and seasonal beverages.
Is there, Charles?
Perhaps a story will lift your spirits.
Hmm, that's an interesting idea.
How about something festive?
But of course.
Let me see what Christmas stories I have available in my database.
Ah... yes.
The New Testament.
Buckle up for a wild ride, sir.
Matthew One, the Book of the Generation of Jesus Christ,
the son of David, the son of Abraham.
Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Jacob,
and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren,
and Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar,
- and Phares begat Esrom, and Esrom-- - I'm gonna stop you there, Charles.
Is there a problem, sir?
Sorry, but I'm really not feeling this.
But sir, this is the greatest story ever told.
Whoever says that is cuckoo bananas.
There's no action, no stakes, no drama.
The characters aren't even likable. All they do is begat.
Perhaps you would prefer a bespoke story,
something tailor-made for a man of your exquisite taste and standing.
Great idea.
I do love original content.
Where should I set our story, sir?
Huh. Maybe Neo Yokio, present day?
Very good.
And who should I make the main character?
Well, how about me?
Not an ego thing, just so I can identify with it, you know.
One moment, as I shift into narrative improvisatory mode.
Sing in me, muse,
and through me, tell the story of that elegant young man
who battled demons and celebrated Christmas
in the greatest city in the world, Neo Yokio.
Present day.
It was a cold December morning,
and deep inside Long Island Walled City,
a sales clerk was about to start his work day.
Charles, I thought I was going to be the main character.
Patience, sir.
I'm sure you will appear shortly.
Okay. Go on.
As I was saying...
a sales clerk was about to start his work day.
There we go.
This is Rockefeller Center.
As you exit the train, we ask that you take a moment to remember those
who fought and gave their lives in the Great Demon War.
Stand clear of the closing doors, please.
I get the picture, Charles.
The sales clerk, is a poor yet patriotic man.
Let's pick up the pace.
I shall consider the scene set, sir,
But there is one more thing you should know about our sales clerk.
He loved his job at Neo Yokio's premier department store,
Bergdorf Goodman.
He relished the opportunity
to assist the city's upper crust in all their consumer needs,
especially at Christmas time.
Welcome home, shoppers.
Dries Van Noten.
Top note: bergamot.
Middle note: saffron.
Base note: sandalwood.
Ah, it's nice,
but my wife really loves her Babylon Number Five.
Two thousand dollars for a hospital gown! Well, that seems a bit steep.
This ain't a hospital gown. It's the Helena.
The hottest dress of the season.
Oh, my God, I love it!
If I was you, I'd get the diamond-encrusted bandage,
just to complete the ensemble.
This counts for your birthday, too.
I hate you, Mom.
Finally, there I am.
As promised, sir.
Yo, I just found the perfect sweater
to rock to the ugly Christmas sweater party, my G.
Didn't you hear? Freddie Miles is switching it up.
Instead of doing an ugly Christmas sweater party,
he's doing a gorgeous Christmas sweater party.
Fam, the line between gorgeous and ugly grows thinner by the day.
I say we buy them, B. We, we gotta cop.
Mm... I gotta contemplate this. What do you think, Kaz?
I wish I had the luxury of shopping for myself. But right now, I need to focus all my attention
on finding the perfect Secret Santa gift.
Did somebody say Secret Santa?
Oh, hey, sales clerk.
Mr. Kaan.
The Bachelor Ball Secret Santa is my favorite event of the season.
All ten of Neo Yokio's most eligible men
going head-to-head in competitive gift-giving.
It's an absolute dream.
Well, it's my nightmare.
Did you know that they lifted the spending cap this year?
My goodness, the sky's the limit.
And who did you get for your Secret Santa, Mr. Kaan?
I'm not sure I can tell you.
It is a... secret.
Of course, excuse me. I just thought that...
if I knew who you were shopping for, I could be of better assistance.
Hm, good point.
It's...
Arcangelo Corelli.
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
Fiddlesticks! It's Arcangelo and the Eastside Gentlemen.
Man, I can't stand these dudes, bro.
Doing a little holiday shopping, are we?
Maybe.
Well, you better buy me something nice.
Secret Santa, wink.
What? Who told you I was your Secret Santa?
Who spoiled the surprise?
Whoa... cool your dick, man.
No one cares about the secret part of Secret Santa.
The general public just wants to watch beautiful men unboxing lavish presents.
They want a show,
and boy, oh, boy, is Arcangelo going to give them one this year!
I've pulled out all the stops for your gift.
My gift?
Oh, yeah.
I paid the commerce commissioner 50 racks
just to make sure I got to be your Secret Santa.
Why in God's name would you do that? We're arch-nemesis.
I'm trying to bury the hatchet once and for all, Kaz,
and I want to do it on national television.
I can't believe my two favorite bachelors will be exchanging gifts
and hammering beefs.
This really is a Christmas miracle.
The stakes is high, bitch.
Go big... or go home.
By the way, Kaz,
word around town is you love original content.
You should check out my podcast.
You have a podcast?
You don't?
All right, gentlemen, let's carol on over to formal wear.
And a one and a two and a three.
♪ Oh, come, all ye faithful ♪
♪ Joyful and tri... ♪
All hands on deck, guys.
We got to find that prick the perfect present.
It's your Aunt Agatha, sir.
Kaz, are you shopping right now?
I'm trying to.
Aunt Angelique is arriving from Paris in 20 minutes.
You're supposed to be at the airport.
Gucci slides. Pure gold.
Close, but no cigar.
Aunt Agatha, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Can't you pick her up?
I don't want to spend a single second more than I have to with my pretentious sister. Go! Maintenant!
Well, I guess that's it.
I'm gonna lose Secret Santa and be the laughing stock of the city.
Chin up, Mr. Kaan. The fog of hope has yet to lift.
But the Secret Santa is tomorrow.
There simply aren't enough hours in the day.
I pledge myself to you.
Um, what are you doing, sales clerk?
Dost thou, Kaz Kaan,
grant me, sales clerk, permission to shop in your stead
and find a show-stopping present for your nemesis, Arcangelo Corelli?
Um, sure, I guess.
Then it is so.
I will not fail you, my liege.
Hey, Aunt Angelique!
Ah! Mon chéri!
Welcome home.
Ah. Neo Yokio,
the most problematic city in the universe!
Can I take your bags?
Hell no, motherfucker.
Carrying my luggage makes me feel alive.
This however, is for you.
Awesome. Thanks.
You can't open it until Christmas. You got to promise.
This is very special.
I know. Toblerone is very special.
So, how's your book coming along?
My Memoir? Fantastique!
I just finished it, but let's not tell my sister.
She's never supported my writing.
Oh, that's not true.
You are a sweet boy, but a bad liar.
Anyway, are you ready to ride back to the apartment?
On this poor creature?
Hmm-mm, I could never demean it by riding on his back.
Ma'am, It's hardly demeaning. It's my job.
Oh là là là là là.
Poor brainless mecha butler.
Your programming has got you all ass-backwards.
I take pride in taking public transportation, you Neo Yokio people.
Public transportation? Are you crazy?
I am a writer, mon chéri.
Don't you know that public transportation is my favorite content platform?
It's where I observe people.
The real people.
So, don't worry about me.
Go enjoy yourself, my little nephew.
- Go on. Go on. - Are you sure?
One can only write about a life that has actually been lived.
Au revoir, mon chéri. See you later.
What a funny bird!
I can't believe she's Aunt Agatha's sister.
Twin sister, sir. Even stranger.
Where are you going, Herb?
For the thousandth time, my name is Herbert.
And, if you must know, Kaz Kaan has personally enlisted yours truly
to buy Secret Santa gifts, so that's what I'm doing.
Why the hell are you wasting your free time helping that brat?
Brat? Hardly. He's the second most eligible bachelor in Neo Yokio.
What a fucking Herb!
It's Herbert. Why is it so hard?
May I help you?
I'm looking for a special gift... for a special man.
How special?
Extra special.
Extra special, huh?
There's a double Tuesday day date made for a count who hated Wednesdays.
Or the Domino's Pizza Rolex, a highly unusual timepiece,
with one of the most distinctive dials ever made.
Domino's Pizza made their own Rolex!
Indeed. The home office gave them to their best branch managers.
What a thoughtful corporation!
Unfortunately, I need this watch to be even more exquisite and rarefied.
You see, it's for Arcangelo Corelli.
Arcangelo Corelli!
Why didn't you say so?
I have the perfect gift.
This watch was a one-off made by Patek Philippe in 1897
to commemorate Neo Yokio's victory in the Great Demon War.
Sweet mercy.
A delicately engraved tableau shows the dramatic scene
at the battle of the Rockefeller Center!
That's where the Majesticrats teamed up with the army
to finally end the Demon Invasion.
I see someone knows their civic history!
Well, I love Neo Yokio more than life itself.
The alarm bells chime the fight song of the Neo Yokio Armed Forces.
Can you hear the chimes?
They are ringing for all to hear.
And this extraordinary rare demon barometer indicates proximity
to demonic activity.
Can it really tell if a demon's around?
Who knows?
They thought it could back then.
Ominous!
And here's the kicker.
This watch was given as a gift to the head of the Neo Yokian army,
Theodore Corelli.
Shit the bed!
Arcangelo's triple great grandfather!
A lost family heirloom.
A gift that's both expensive and meaningful.
It's perfect.
Hey Kaz!
Yeah, Kaz in the building. What's popping?
Yo, pops, skedaddle.
You're sticking up the bar with your old man stink.
Yo, what's good with you, B?
I thought you, uh, was picking your aunt from the airport.
She preferred public transportation.
Ugh. Why?
So she can write about it, I guess.
She's a memoirist.
Huh? She writes memoirs for people?
Nope. Just her own. That's her full-time job.
Your family is fascinating, B.
It must be cool to get all y'all weird motherfuckers together for the holidays.
Agh, just the thought of my family makes me want to drink.
One Caprese Martini coming up.
Voila! Hold that!
What's this?
Just our latest Innovation.
I don't want innovation.
I want a traditional homemade Caprese Martini.
Listen, slime. If you want to build a brand,
we got to think outside the box.
Deadass! And with these prepackaged Caprese Martinis,
we could ship worldwide. The brand could go global.
Trust me, B. Just try it.
I don't know if it tastes as good.
Man, duh! Of course it don't taste as good, stupid. It's in a can.
But we'll make up for quality with quantity.
We put a rush on the order,
so it'll be ready for Freddie Miles' Gorgeous Christmas Sweater Party.
A rush order? Wasn't that expensive?
We're no broke boys. Plus you gotta spend money to make money.
I'd fuck with the vision.
I guess.
Ka-ching!
Hi, Aunt Agatha. Where's Aunt Angelique?
She's meditating in the bedroom.
Isn't that rich? Her life is one big break from reality.
What does she need an extra 20 minutes for?
Ooh, meditation! Sounds relaxing.
- Maybe I'll join her. - Sit down, Kaz.
You have thousands of Christmas cards to sign.
Ugh! What's the point of holiday cards anyway?
Why do we need to send out pictures of us to people we hardly know?
We need to remind people who we are and what we do.
These cards will give us two weeks on the refrigerators of the city's elite.
You couldn't buy that level of penetration.
Oh, sister... nothing has changed.
Still spending every waking hour trying to start paper?
Yes, sister.
Some of us have real jobs. My job is as real as any.
In fact, writing may be the realest job of all.
You are a dilettante with a diary.
At least, I'm not a capitalist mercenary.
Don't you start making accusations
just because no one wants to read your stupid book.
- I want to read it. - Shut Up, Kaz.
Agatha, you really shouldn't speak to our nephew that way.
It's abusive.
Oh, he loves it.
This is getting awkward. I think it's best if I go.
Sit down.
But Freddi Miles is throwing a Gorgeous Christmas Sweater party tonight
and I really want to go.
Gorgeous Christmas sweaters? I love it.
What a fun twist on an old classic!
You are not going anywhere.
Let him go and enjoy himself.
He's young and in love.
In love?
With life! Do you get it?
Fine, whatever. If it shuts her up, just go.
What do you think of the story so far, sir?
It's interesting.
I like that you went with something hyper-realistic.
It's very gritty.
I wouldn't mind a touch of whimsy, though.
Noted. Shall I continue?
Please.
All right, sir. I'll be with the other mecha butlers
in the mecha butler parking facility.
Very cool. Have fun, Charles!
Oh, oh my God, Kaz!
Oh! Hey Kathy.
I'm so happy to see you.
You are?
Gorgeous sweater! Ooh. Ten out of ten.
Uh, oh, thanks!
It's quite chic...
like you
Well, you know, Kathy, I think you're pretty chic, too.
Uh, did I say something funny?
Oh, God!
Sorry, I'm buzzing off my tits right now.
I think I must have taken too much MDNA.
- MDNA? Don't you mean MDMA? - Nope.
M, D, N, A.
It's Molly mixed with the genetic code of a demon.
The latest designer drug to hit the streets.
Very elite shit.
Hey, Arcangelo!
Wow, gorgeous sweater.
Eleven out of ten, oof!
Freddie Miles' cousin brought a shit ton back from Bennington.
Want a bump?
I think I'll pass.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Come on Kaz! Don't be such a party pooper.
Hey, friends, how's it going?
Man, terrible!
No one wants to try our Caprese cans.
Everybody's too fucked up on that new drug, B!
They just want water, water, water.
Does anyone have any more water?
Oh, my God, gorgeous sweater.
Well, I don't need drugs to have a good time.
I'm going to take a lap and see if I can drum up some interest for you guys.
- Thanks, B! - Yo, you're a really stand-up guy, my guy.
Kaz! There you are. Where have you been?
Jesus, Arcangelo! You're inescapable.
Why, thank you.
Now, I was just telling Motoko Goldberg here
about what I got you for Secret Santa.
By the way, how's it looking on your end?
- Great. I'm making major head-- - Enough business talk.
This is a party. Did I offer you a bump yet?
Yeah, I'm good.
I've got my Caprese Can,
the hottest new product from Caprese Boy Enterprises.
Canned alcohol? Sounds disgusting.
Well, I can assure you, it's not.
All right. Let me have a taste with my mouth.
Trust me. You're going to love it.
- Hey, look! Is tha-- Is that Kris Kringle? - Who?
Never mind. Wasn't him.
Ugh, something tastes off.
I don't think the mozzarella's traveling well.
I better tell the guys. See you, Arcangelo.
Enjoy the trip, brother.
You can thank me later.
Thank me later...
Mixed with the genetic core of a demon...
Good Lord, I've become a cartoon!
You've always been a caricature of a human being.
Only now, you see it.
Who said that? Reveal yourself.
Don't you recognize me?
How can I recognize you if I can't see you?
The greasy thumb print on your phone screen,
shining in the midday sun.
That is me.
The dark residue of coffee grounds that stain the bottom of your espresso cup.
That is also me.
The stale smell of twice-discounted khakis
languishing in the back of the Polo store, me again.
I am the empty feeling which haunts you.
I am the Great Demon.
Okay. All right, relax, Kaz. You're clearly tripping balls.
Arcangelo must have slipped some drugs into your drink.
Just remember, this isn't real.
Who are you to say what is real?
You live a life of fantasy. You know only the fictions of the marketplace.
Look, I just want this unpleasant experience to be over.
You really want it to end?
Yes, for God's sakes, please.
Then restore the cosmic balance.
How do I do that?
Wake up.
Wake up, Kaz.
Wake up.
Kaz, wake up.
Wake up, Kaz.
Kaz?
Wake up!
Wow, it smells great in here.
Is Charles making something off menu?
We should be so lucky.
Angelique insisted on cooking breakfast herself.
She couldn't possibly allow people to have some pride in their work. Oh, no.
Is that nutmeg?
Good morning.
Bonjour, mon chéri!
Get over here and help me crack these nuts.
So, how was your party last night?
It was a nightmare.
Uh-oh. How come?
Well, I accidentally took...
drugs.
Drugs?
That's wonderful! You're finally coming out of your shell...
unlike those walnuts.
Oh. Sorry.
So, tell me about this nightmare.
It's all pretty foggy, but I remember being in this pink space.
Mm! Pink... is a very profound color.
Honestly, it's kind of out of fashion.
Anyway, there was this demon, but he didn't want to fight. He just...
wanted to... talk. And did you listen?
I tried, but he really wasn't making any sense.
The vibe was very foreboding, though.
Honestly, the whole situation was pretty buff.
Sir, you have a visitor.
Oh, hey, sales clerk. What are you doing in my penthouse apartment?
I've completed my mission, Mr. Kaan.
Kindly find within this box you now see the perfect gift for Mr. Corelli.
Would you like me to show it to you?
Not really. That bastard dosed me last night.
He deserves a lump of coal.
I see.
It's not the right time to show you the gift.
But you really helped me out, so thanks.
Just give Charles the receipt, and he'll transfer the money to your bank account.
Ethereum or Ripple?
A cashier's check will suffice.
What's up? Who's your friend, little nephew?
Friend?
No, no, no.
I'm just a sales clerk.
Even sales clerks have names.
Herbert Sims is my given name,
but sales clerk is more than suitable for this occasion. Well, Herbert, we're about to sit down to breakfast.
Care to join us?
What?! Angelique, you can't be serious.
Miss Kaan is right. I wouldn't dare.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Maybe another time, during one of the more minor meals.
I insist. Come for breakfast. Come and sit down.
Sit down, I said. I insist.
Just sit.
Soft-boiled eggs with the sales clerk.
Has it really come to this?
Oh. Forgive my sister, Herbert.
She doesn't care about the world beyond her Céline sunglasses.
I, however... I'm a writer.
How wonderful! I've never met a Bohemian before.
Tell me, Herbert.
What brings you to Central Park West on this crisp winter morning?
Well, between you, me, and the gatepost,
I'm delivering Kaz's gift for the Secret Santa.
And what, pray tell, is it?
A one-of-a-kind pocket watch
and an important piece of Neo Yokio history.
Hm... the history of Neo Yokio figures very heavily in my memoir.
May I see it?
What's that sound?
Oh, that must be the demon barometer.
It's picking up a demonic presence in the apartment? That's odd.
Well, I'm done. Breakfast is over. Everybody out.
I apologize for my aunts.
You know what they say.
Family meals are a dish best served not at all.
I wouldn't know. I have no family.
In any case, good luck with the Secret Santa.
I'll be watching and cheering you on.
Thanks, sales clerk.
I mean... Herbert.
Wow two unexpected visitors in one morning.
When it rains, it pours, sir.
Yo, my man!
Yo, last night you was turned the fuck up.
You was litty to titty, my G.
You took a piss on Freddie Miles' labradoodle.
That's so embarrassing.
Nah, it was hilarious. Everybody loved it.
Bruh, the OD flex.
So why are you guys here?
Well, first we just wanted to make sure you still alive, my G.
And second, we bought something.
Ugh! I think I'll pass. After last night's debauchery,
just the thought of an adult beverage makes me nauseous.
Oh, nah, nah, nah. These ain't Caprese Cans. We discontinued those.
You did? Why?
If we have any chance at all
of capitalizing on the holiday shopping season,
we need to cut our losses right now and move on.
Move on to what?
I'm glad you asked.
The drink was a flop, B.
But we got some really positive feedback on the logos, so...
we printed it on some long-sleeve tees and dad hats.
And we're a distributor company, now, B.
Ooh!
Yo, we thought you could wear one on TV during the Secret Santa, man.
- Everybody's gonna see it. - You can't buy that level of penetration.
I wish I could, but it's an incredibly formal event.
No hats, hoodies, or Timbs.
Damn, B.
But, these are very on trend. I'm sure they'll sell like hotcakes.
Yo, they better.
We bet our last units of clout on this bullshit, man.
We're ass out on clout.
Here on the 57th floor of a nondescript glass tower,
the city's most eligible bachelors
are preparing for the first major event of the holiday season.
They've released the turtle doves,
indicating that the ceremony is about to begin.
First up is Kip Whitaker.
He's the seventh-most eligible bachelor in Neo Yokio.
Simon Hammerstein,
I am your Secret Santa.
It appears to be a 50-year old bottle of Yamazaki.
That's the world's most expensive Cognac
with a retail price of $137,000.
How thoughtful!
Next up, Luke Silver-Greenberg.
His father owns the world's largest private security firm.
But Luke's no slouch, either.
He runs a social media account that reposts popular memes.
Interesting, it's a very small gift,
but keep in mind,
size does not always correlate with price.
A custom matte black G wagon with matching Forgiato wheels.
Retail value 120k.
But wait, what's that on the windshield?
He's thrown in 1,000 shares of stock in Mercedes-Benz!
Equity, the gift that keeps on giving.
How thoughtful.
We are off to a truly auspicious start,
and the next presenter is none other than the Majesticratic exorcist himself,
Kaz Kaan.
The televised culmination of all my efforts.
I scarcely have breath to utter this aside.
Arcangelo Corelli...
I am your Secret Santa.
I'm sorry.
But I can't accept this gift.
What's Arcangelo Corelli doing?
This is definitely not in the rulebook.
My fellow bachelors,
have we totally forgotten the true meaning of Christmas?
Shame on us!
Look around. We've turned this holiday into a material of spectacle.
We give each other luxury items, sure,
but we don't give each other the luxury...
of human kindness.
What the hell is he talking about?
He best not be trying to weasel out of giving somebody a gift.
I want to use my platform to broadcast a very special message.
This Christmas, give a gift you hold in your heart, not in your hand.
Ah!
I'm calling it the Arcangelo Christmas Challenge.
Hashtag ACC.
And to prove that I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is,
tonight, I'm going to give the greatest gift of all...
the gift... of song.
I'm gonna sing a goddamn song.
This is unprecedented.
How do you even calculate the value of music?
Kaz Kaan...
this one's for you.
♪ I never had a friend like you ♪ ♪ I don't think I'll ever find another ♪
♪All the bad things That we've been through ♪
♪ It's so good we got each other ♪
♪ I know sometimes it's hard To find something to believe in ♪
♪ Nothing ever seems to last ♪
♪ For more than just a season ♪
♪ But brotherhood and unity Will never lose their style ♪
♪ I wanna let you know how much ♪
♪ Your friendship drives me wild ♪
♪ I never had a friend like you ♪
♪ I don't think I'll ever find another ♪
♪ All the bad things That we've been through ♪
♪ It's so good we got each other ♪
So...
what did you think?
Honestly, dude, I'm impressed.
Not only is it a catchy song,
but I'm feeling this anti-consumerist message.
Ha! You don't really think I believe in that horseshit, do you?
I'm about to make more money
than all these bitch-ass bachelors combined.
Watch and learn, you pink-haired prince.
Fuck material goods!
Yo, quick question, B.
Is a streamer considered a material good?
I'm afraid so.
Damn, B, we're about to lose all our clout!
Damn!
Welcome home...
shoppers?
Sales Clerk Two, the day before Christmas is the busiest of the year.
Where are all the shoppers?
Haven't you heard about the Arcangelo Christmas Challenge?
Everyone's boycotting material goods.
But Bergdorf's is a way of life.
You can't boycott a way of life.
Clearly, you can.
It's a retail apocalypse.
Charles, light another scented candle, please.
With pleasure, sir.
Agh! What was that awful sound?
Oh, nothing, sir.
Well, that nothing sure disrupted my peaceful bath time.
My apologies. It was just a notification alerting me
that Arcangelo Corelli has released a new episode of his podcast.
You listen to that fool's podcast?
What can I say, sir?
It's a guilty pleasure.
Can't believe what I'm hearing, Charles.
I will unsubscribe immediately.
Oh, whatever, just play the damn thing.
Very good, sir.
It's me, Arcangelo Corelli,
aka Gucci Jesus, aka the Blonde Ichiban, aka the One Man Boy Band.
Our gross capitalist culture tells us that we are the things we buy,
but honestly, fuck that.
Our generation doesn't want to buy things.
We want to buy experiences,
which is why I'm offering you the opportunity to buy
the greatest experience of all.
A chance to see me perform live.
That's right, my little archangels.
I'm throwing a Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall.
And if you agree with my message
that there is more to life than exchanging useless objects,
I hope you will buy a ticket to see me sing to you live on Christmas Day.
Ho ho ho. Use offer code "fuck material goods"
to receive five dollars off any purchase of $200 or more.
Peace! End of transmission.
The Herb awakes.
I just had the worst dream.
It was the day before Christmas, and the store was empty.
Jiminy Crickets! It's fucking true.
This is the worst day of my adult life.
What are you talking about, man? This is so dope. We are free!
Yeah, we're going to go smoke weed in the park. You coming or not?
Of course not!
In this moment of crisis,
we should batten down the hatches
and man up our departments with force and rigor.
Suit yourself, Herb.
Herbert Sims, please report to management.
Bergdorf Chan would love to see you.
Bergdorf Chan, you've asked to see me.
Herbert, there's no easy way to say this, but your time with Bergdorf's has come to an end.
What? But why?
To weather the financial crisis caused by the Arcangelo Christmas Challenge,
we must cut costs. You understand, Herbert, don't you?
Of course, I-- I--
I would hate for my salary to jeopardize your profit margins.
And now, it is with a heavy heart,
that I ask you to please deposit your bow-tie and employee ID.
Goodbye, Herbert! I'm gonna miss you so much.
Remember me, Neo Yokio,
but forget my fate.
Heavens to Betsy, I'm dead!
Am I in hell?
You were in hell.
In Neo Yokio, you lived a life of quiet desperation.
That's not true. I quite liked my life.
I worked long hours every day, and I loved it.
I had no free time to get in my head and worry about things I can't control.
Plus I got to help celebrities pick out fancy sunglasses.
You knelt before the city-state
and worshiped at the altar of its aristocracy.
You served the elite for years, and they rewarded your loyalty with betrayal.
Now that I think of it, they did throw me away like trash...
or even garbage.
And what are you going to do about it?
What can I do? I'm just a sales clerk.
My child, you have more power than you know.
Are you ready for the ultimate possession?
I don't know. I think I--
You were the perfect vessel for the revolution,
far better than Chanel suits and pop stars.
Together, we can form the ultimate weapon...
and win this war once and for all.
You labored and suffered for Neo Yokio.
You should be the one to destroy it.
Versace.
Very nice.
Wow! This Christmas goose smells like a million dollars.
Practically cost it, too.
I had this fucker flown in from Poland.
Polish geese are the fattest geese.
Would you mind if I say grace before we eat?
Yes, I would mind.
This is a Godless apartment.
What the fuck? Relax, Agatha.
It's just a humanist prayer.
Agh.
Thanks to the hands that brought our food and those who worked to grow it.
What we receive from the plants and beasts and the earth, for all, we will eat.
That was really beautiful, Aunt Angelique.
Thank you, Kaz. We must never forget
that we are all equal spokes in the Great Wheel of Life.
Ha! The Great Wheel of Life. Is that the name of your memoir?
Don't mock me, sister. There are bombshells in my book!
If those bombshells have anything to do with our family,
I will make sure it never sees the light of day!
Aunts, please. You're upsetting the Christmas goose.
Yes?
Oh, hello, Lord Mayor.
Ah.
Don't panic. I'll send Kaz down immediately.
There's some major demonic activity in Midtown.
The Rockefeller Center Tree is possessed.
Can you believe our luck?
Ah, it's a Christmas miracle!
But why are you still sitting down, boy? Chop chop!
But it's Christmas Eve.
Which means it's triple our usual rate.
Is there any limit to what you will do for money?
Nope.
Now, Kaz. Go!
The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.
Goodbye, goose.
Huh?
Whoa!
Mm...
Mm.
I love this soup.
The ship sails away from the harbor.
The ship sails away from the harbor? Where did you get this shit from?
When did you lose your manners?
When you lost your conscience.
See? Much... more elegant.
Uh.
Ow!
Agh!
Ah!
I want you to leave.
Now.
Happily. This city has the stink of death upon it,
and I pray I never have to come back here again.
Whoo!
Well done, Mr. Kaan. Quite the display.
Oh, hey, Herbert.
Have you been here this whole time?
Oh, yes. I love to ice skate.
Ch-cha! Tableau!
Damn, Herbert.
That's some fancy footwork.
Look at us. Two guys alone on Christmas Eve.
Wanna grab a frozen hot chocolate? My sweet tooth is acting up.
Very tempting, but I have to work. Work? Isn't Bergdorf's closed at this hour?
This is more of a personal project.
I didn't know you had personal projects.
There's a lot you don't know about me, Mr. Kaan.
Sounds to me like there's still a demon on the loose.
Oh, I assure you there isn't.
I'm very good at my job.
This thing, on the other hand, has a mind of its own.
Ta-ra.
I'll see you... on the flip side.
Welcome back, Mr. Kaan.
Will the rest of your family be joining you?
Thankfully, no. My family's been traumatizing me all week.
I want to sit alone and process my grief,
over one of your famous frozen hot chocolates.
In fact, you better make it a double. Extra whip cream.
I'm not your waiter, sir, but I will let him know.
Follow me.
Ah, finally, some peace and quiet.
♪ I'm making a list And checking it twice ♪
You've got to be kidding me.
So tell me, Kaz, have you been naughty...
or nice?
Oh. What on Earth are you talking about, Arcangelo?
My Christmas Spectacular, dummy.
The VIP list.
Do you deserve to be on it?
Sorry to disappoint you,
but I have zero interest in going to your show.
Wrong answer. Now Kaz, the real question is...
- can you rap? - Rap?
Yeah, my Christmas Spectacular could really use a rapper.
I'm not going to rap for you.
Come on Kaz, the top two bachelors in Neo Yokio
collaborating on a club banger?
That's an international news story!
- Not going to happen. - And why not?
Because you're a con man, who's debasing both the joys of Christmas shopping,
as well the artistry of the Billboard Hot 100.
I really hoped it wouldn't come to this.
Arcangelo, what are you doing?
Speak.
And a Merry Christmas to you too, Agatha.
How can I help you, Mr. Corelli?
You know this already, but I'll just say it anyhow.
I'm hosting a Christmas Spectacular at Radio City tomorrow,
but, you see, tonight's demonic attacks are giving me a little stage fright.
We can provide top notch security, if that's what you're looking for.
Bingo.
Is Kaz available?
For you, of course.
Are you sure?
Tomorrow is Christmas Day, and I'd hate...
to put him out.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
He can celebrate Christmas the other 364 days of the year.
I'll patch him in right now to arrange the details.
Hello.
Another Christmas miracle, Kaz. You're working tomorrow.
- But I don't-- - No, don't say another word.
You're on with the client.
Mr. Corelli?
I'll let you two discuss directly.
- Hey, homie! - Mm.
Sir, your frozen hot chocolate.
What? I thought you weren't my waiter? Good King Wenceslas, what happened here?
Where's Aunt Angelique?
She's on the red-eye back to Paris.
Those Christmas miracles just keep on coming.
She's the only family we have left, Aunt Agatha.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
Oh, go to bed, Kaz.
Santa's on his way.
♪ Oh how happy I am I can't wait to see ♪
♪ What's under the tree ♪
♪ How I wonder What Santa has left for me ♪
♪ Underneath the tree ♪
Merry Christmas, young master.
What's so merry about it?
You do have some gifts under the tree.
What's left of it, anyway.
Say what you will about materialism.
Things are a lot more reliable than people.
Aw, thanks, Charles.
A tennis bracelet?
Aren't these for women?
This one's for a man, sir.
Thanks.
Uh, don't forget your gift from Aunt Angelique.
Hm.
Looks like it's Toblerone for breakfast.
- What the fuck? - What is it, sir?
There's no chocolate in this giant Toblerone.
It's Aunt Angelique's memoir.
Mon chéri.
I know how much you enjoy luxury chocolates
so, I am sorry if I've disappointed you,
but I couldn't have my sister discover the true contents of this Toblerone.
As you will see, my memoir isn't just about my life,
but also hers and yours.
It is the story of our people, the Majesticrats.
I've never approved of our family business
and what we did to achieve our status.
Our story is not a pretty one, but it must be told.
Never forget.
The past isn't dead.
It isn't even passed.
Je t'embrasse... Tante Angelique.
Good read, sir?
To be honest, the writing's a little flowery for my taste.
Give her the benefit of the doubt, sir. It's only the first chapter.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Maybe picks up in the middle.
Ooh, this should be interesting.
There's a chapter on our family's ancestry.
Wow! I'm part Spanish.
No wonder I love Balenciaga.
Magnífico, señor.
What else does it say about your heritage?
I don't believe it. I-- I can't believe it.
Is it one of those aforementioned bombshells, sir?
If what I'm reading is true, I can't bear to say it out loud.
I need to talk to Aunt Agatha, stat.
Calling her now, sir.
You better have a damn good excuse why you're not at work.
You were expected at Radio City an hour ago.
I've been reading Aunt Angelique's memoir.
Reading? Lord have mercy, you've got to be joking.
She wrote that our family is descended from...
demons.
Agh, the psychotic ramblings of the liberal mind.
But she makes a good case. There's a family tree and everything.
Kaz, we are purebreds, 100% Majesticrat.
Now get dressed and get down here.
Satisfied, sir?
It's picking up a demonic presence in the apartment. That's odd.
Breakfast is over. Everybody out.
Sounds to me like there's still a demon on the loose.
I don't know what to believe anymore.
Hey, friends. What are you doing here?
Installing our new activation.
Cool, what it's activating?
Nothing.
Yet, everything.
I don't get it.
See, Kaz, we're so caught up worrying about the things we were branding
that we missed the important thing, the brand itself.
What are you talking about?
Look, man. At the end of the day, people just want to engage with a logo.
The products don't even matter!
Now, you can take a selfie with our logo and let it live forever in the cloud.
Mm-hmm. That's where the great brands belong, my G.
Up there.
You guys... are geniuses.
Yo, I really appreciate that, bro. Thank you.
Quick selfie for the culture?
- Caprese boys forever! - That's right, B. F-- F-- For life.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Sorry guys. I-- I can't see shit in here.
Ricky? I'm going to ask you again.
Can we turn the fucking house lights on, please?
Oh! Hark! The herald angels sing.
It's Kaz Kaan, everybody! Get up here, you magical bastard.
We need you for the pre-show prayer.
Wouldn't want a demon to snatch me on your watch.
Doors open in ten, people. Let's do this. Ricky, cut the lights.
Ho, ho, ho, Neo Yokio.
When Santa says "Merry," you say "Christmas!"
- Merry. - Christmas!
All right, that's right.
Now here's a rhetorical question.
Who wants to start this motherfucking Christmas Spectacular?
I love you, Arcangelo!
And now...
I want to bring out a very special guest.
Give it up for a man that is both magic in life,
and on the mic.
Kaz Kaan!
No, absolutely not. No way, ever.
Don't be shy, Kaz. We know you got skills.
Get off of me, Arcangelo! Stop!
I'm not a rapper.
Uh...
♪ Yo ♪
♪ MC Kaz ♪
♪ Bringing the spells from the past ♪
♪ A friend like you Is really hard to come by ♪ ♪ Neo Yokio is sad and lonely ♪
♪ Sing Countin' money in my penthouse ♪
♪ I just wish I had a magic homie ♪
♪ Arcangelo You're kind of like my nemesis ♪
♪ We've been head-to-head Since the genesis ♪
♪ I just really hope That you remember this ♪
♪ I'm only rappin' for you 'Cause it's Christmas ♪
- ♪ I'll be in Neo Yokio, scheming ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm always chasing after demons ♪
♪ You think you fly, my enemy You dreamin' ♪
♪ You'll be my arch nemesis Until I stop breathin', look ♪
♪ Yo! ♪
♪ MC Kaz ♪
♪ Look, a friend like you Is really hard to come by ♪
♪ Neo Yokio is sad and lonely, yeah ♪
♪ Swimmin' in a sea beneath 14th street ♪
♪ Yeah, I just really wish I had a magic homie ♪
♪ Damn, Arcangelo, playing my Nintendo ♪
♪ Damn, Arcangelo, in and out the window ♪
♪ Yo, Archangelo, hit the center band ♪
♪ Oh, wait, Arcangelo I'm turning up piano, let's go! ♪
♪ It's like seeing God He'll be like, "Chill, B" ♪
♪ But I got Christmas trees trying to kill me ♪
♪ The Greatest Demon Slayer, I will be ♪
♪ I'm done with Kaz, riding on a mecha, you feel me? ♪
Ew, I should have worn duck boots.
You think duck boots can save you from the coming flood, Mr. Kaan?
Herbert, I know you're a demon.
My whole life, I wanted to be like you, Mr. Kaan.
And now...
I finally am.
So...
it's really true?
I--
- I'm a-- a-- - A demon.
The very thing you've been battling your whole life.
Tell me, Kaz.
Do you know what was here before Neo Yokio?
There wasn't anything here before Neo Yokio.
Wrong!
In the beginning, there was pink space.
And it was beautiful.
Then came the invasion.
The higher they built their city, the further they drove us underground.
They wanted to destroy us once and for all,
but they weren't strong enough.
They could only win by using our own power against us.
Your ancestors made a wicked deal to help them,
and in exchange for their treachery,
they were given wealth and class.
So the Majesticrats are nothing more than demon turncoats?
Yes, but you can right your family's wrongs.
You can return this place back to its natural state.
How?
By killing me.
What? How's that going to help?
I sacrifice my body to bring the great demon to the surface.
But only a Majesticrat has the power to release him.
Kill me, Kaz.
Kaz Kaan, you embarrassed our family
in front of a sold-out crowd at Radio City Music Hall.
Explain yourself!
Aunt Agatha, you lied to me.
We are demons.
We are Majesticrats.
The sales clerk, however, is a demon.
Kill him!
That's right, Kaz.
Listen to your aunt. Do it!
And do it quickly.
I would like to make it back to see Arcangelo's grand finale.
I can't do it.
I won't do it.
Unbelievable.
Fine, leave it to an old lady to do a young man's job.
Time to die, sales clerk.
Aunt Agatha, you don't understand.
No, Kaz. I understand quite clearly.
Demons, not demons. Who cares?
How many fucked up things about Neo Yokio
have you chosen to ignore for your entire life?
This city is brutal, but I learned that a long time ago.
I play it as it lays.
Maybe you think that makes me a bad person.
But you're worse, Kaz.
You're a hypocrite.
But why didn't you just tell me the truth?
Because you're a pussy.
But-- But--
"But, but, but, but." Enough, Kaz.
The world needs people of action, not whiners.
And that's our show, folks!
And Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.
And don't forget to subscribe to my podcast.
What the fuck, Charles!
Did you not enjoy the story, sir?
I don't know how I feel about it.
I mean there was good lines, I guess. I like the Toblerone stuff, but...
why did you have to destroy Neo Yokio?
Was it destroyed, or was it restored?
That's my point. Why leave room for interpretation?
Understood, sir.
I'll add more Toblerone jokes next time.
Thank you.
Wow, It's already midnight!
Good Lord, that was a long story.
Midnight? Oh, I'm late for mass!
Mass?
I didn't know you were religious.
There's a lot about me you don't know, Kazzy!
Pray for me.
♪ I never had a friend like you ♪
- ♪ I don't think I'll ever find another ♪ - Wink.
♪ All the bad things That we've been through ♪
♪ It's so good we got each other ♪
♪ I know sometimes it's hard To find something to believe in ♪
♪ Nothing ever seems to last For more than just a season ♪
♪ But brotherhood and unity Will never lose their style ♪
♪ I wanna let you know how much Your friendship drives me wild ♪